When you can't keep your mouth shut (Job and the art of giving good advice)

Silence is golden.

But it is difficult. We're creatures that can make a wide variety of noises, from beautiful songs to embarrassing grunts and groans.

We are creatures meant to be in relationships, and as my wife has often reminded me, good communication is essential to a good relationship.

So we talk. Part of talking is sharing experiences in the hope that some of what we know will be helpful to someone else, or that hearing some of what they have gone through helps me with my situation.

As a writer, one of the greatest compliments I have ever received is when someone has said to me, "What you wrote is exactly what I was feeling and couldn't figure out how to say myself." I have friends who are song-writers, and one of those friends likes to say, "I was writing that song the day I heard it on the radio,'' by which he means someone else has found a way to say exactly what he wanted to say.

Our words can encourage, build up, give confidence, inspire, bring healing, educate, unite ... and they can do all the opposite as well.

For Job's friends, the quiet ran out after seven days. I guess they couldn't stand it anymore. They wanted their friend to deal with what was happening, and so they offered their best advice, their learned suggestions, and shared their frustrations of watching Job go through what he was going through.

It was only natural for them to begin to offer reasons for Job's pain, and solutions for getting over what was happening.

Among their suggestions:

Job 4:1-8 – basically, bad things happen to bad people.
Job 5:6-9 – things don’t happen for no reason. Turn to God and perhaps He’ll forgive.
Job 8:1-4 – maybe your children sinned and you’re paying for that.
Job 11:4-6 – whatever this is, it’s less than you deserve.
Job 15:1-6 – your arrogance condemns you.
Job 22:21-23 submit to God and be restored

Here’s the point. All of these statements have a basis in truth. They certainly sound legitimate. I guarantee you there are times in your life (and certainly in mine) when this type of advice is right on the mark. Job's friends are not considered foolish, and, like Job, they were probably used to offering counsel.

And yet, they are wrong.

Have you ever sat and listened to a Christian give bad advice? I have. Heck, I’m sure I’ve given bad advice in the name of bringing Christian comfort or Christ-like council.

But while we know Job’s friends meant well, from our perspective we can recognize that they, too, were being used by Satan to try to bring Job down. I don’t think any of us ever want to be the tools of the great Accuser working for evil in the lives of our fellow believers!

Reading Job has caused me to pause before offering up advice. I recognize that, in a sense, I’m offering advice as I write this blog, but I feel compelled to take that chance. Maybe it would be better if I left the pages blank and just kept my mouth shut. But lets consider a few guidelines for giving advice – or for receiving it.

First and foremost, ask yourself: is it Biblical?

One of Job's friends said, "We have examined this, and it is true . . ." (Job 5:27) But how do I know that what I’m hearing from a friend or what I’m about to say to a friend is indeed true? Only if I have spent enough time in God’s Word so that I have a basis for knowing what is really Biblical advice or not. The Bible is called a "double-edged sword" capable of penetrating to the deepest places, and "judging the thoughts and attitudes of the heart" (Hebrews 4:12).

My own personal observation and opinions do not necessarily equal fool-proof counsel. Even what was true for me in a given situation – a verse that really spoke to me or the wise counsel of a friend that got me through something – may not have the same effect on someone else. Honestly, there are so many differing opinions available to any of us from a variety of sources that to assume that all opinions are true would be one of the most foolish decisions anyone could make. As one Christian write put it, "Only the Bible is trustworthy for perfect counsel, and when you can lean on clear, Biblical teaching, you are leaning on a rock that will not move."

Secondly, is what you are saying based in truth??

Job's friend Zophar urged Job to "put away the sin" that was in his hand, and to "allow no evil to dwell" in his tent. (Job 11:14) Zophar couldn't look at Job's condition without assuming that Job had sinned greatly against God. Likewise, Eliphaz shared the same counsel with Job: "Those who sow trouble reap it." (Job 4:8)

But the facts simply didn't support their observation. God had called Job "blameless and upright," (Job 1:8) bragging on how well his faithful servant had been living. The suffering that followed was the toughest test of Job's life, not punishment for his worst sin.

Eliphaz and Zophar's counsel, while wise in some cases, simply missed the mark when said to Job because it was not based in the truth of Job’s situation.

Careful attention must be paid to the factual information behind any counsel. If the facts aren't correct, the counsel is almost certain to be just as faulty. Slow down, and check the facts.

And here’s a tough one: is what you are going to say really necessary?

I'm sure you know some people who just can't help but tell other people what is wrong with their life, or what they could do better. If you tell them something that is bothering you, they can't help but tell you how to fix it. If you're having problems with work or your mate or children, they can and will offer answers.

Hopefully it's because those people care. But sometimes we need to verbalize what is going on in our lives without hearing someone tell us how to fix it. Most of the time we know how to fix it, or what caused it, or that there is nothing we can do; it just helps to share our concerns with a friend.

Consider Job and his friends' advice. As well-meaning and well-intentioned as I'm sure their advice was, in the big scheme of things, did Job really need these long-winded debates about sin and justice and why good things happen to bad people in those days after the greatest crisis of his life? Was it really necessary for even his wife to offer her opinion of what he should do?

Will Rogers once said, “Never miss a good chance to shut up.” Arthur Conan Doyle’s Sherlock Holmes once said of his sidekick, Watson: “You have a grand gift for silence, Watson. It makes you quite invaluable as a companion.” The writer George Eliot said, “Blessed is the man who, having nothing to say, abstains from giving us wordy evidence of the fact.”
It may be that the wisest comfort we can bring to someone who is hurting is to say as little as possible.

Sometimes – and maybe more times than we recognized - there are times when the best thing we can do for one another is simply to sit together in silence. Maybe even cry together. Job 2:13 tells us his friends "sat on the ground with him for seven days and seven nights. No one said a word to him, because they saw how great his suffering was." How wonderful it would have been if Job's friends had followed that counsel, and kept their silence past a single week. Because so much of what they go on to say was not just unnecessary, but simply wrong.

In giving advice, acknowledge you could be wrong! .

Not once in the book of Job do any of the friends leave the door open for possible error. "I've observed it," said one (4:8). "We have examined it," said another, "and it is true." (5:27).

I'm usually not one to sound overly confident. Maybe because I've been wrong enough to know better. Sometimes the smartest thing we can say is that we may never know why something happened. And in the end, when face to face with God, we realize "why" is meaningless. Job's questions of "Why" disappeared the moment he encountered God, and as far as we know they never appeared again. All of the "great debates" of the middle chapters of Job are forgotten once God showed up. As a pastor once put it, "The Perfect completely overwhelmed the imperfect."

I am always amazed at how spiritually and intellectually dense Jesus’ disciples could be. Here were these 12 men who spent three years walking with Jesus, hearing him debate others, seeing him comfort people, getting a chance to discuss the days’ events in private with him well into the night. And yet they could still, at times, be so thick-headed.

John 9 tells the story how one day the disciples were walking along the streets of Jerusalem and engaged in a theological debate. It was the kind of conversation that Jewish Rabbis and teachers had been having for centuries.

"Rabbi," they asked, "who sinned, this man or his parents, that he was born blind?"

Imagine that. A blind man, almost certainly within hearing distance, suddenly becomes the subject of an insensitive, unnecessary discussion about his morality, or at least the morality of his parents. Wasn't life hard enough for a beggar who couldn't see?

And Jesus treats their debate as utter foolishness.

He says, in effect, "You've missed the point entirely. You're debating theology and philosophy and what you think are lofty ideas – which has nothing to do with this man’s physical condition. This has happened so God can be glorified."

Finally, do the people you are talking to know you love them?

As this dialogue continues between Job and his friends, it gets more heated. Job insists he’s justified, and the friends are frustrated that Job won’t admit he's wrong. Bildad, in chapter 8, even takes a cheap shot at Job’s children when he says, “When your children sinned against (God), he gave them over to the penalty of their sin." Of course, Bildad doesn’t know that Job’s children were not suffering any penalty for their sin, but that their death was an unprovoked attack on Job by Satan.

No matter how Biblical, truthful, and needed advice might be, let’s be honest: it won’t be listened to if not given in love. Paul urged one of his early churches to "speak the truth in love." (Eph. 4:14) To another, he reminded them that he could sound out wonderful truth with the voice of an angel, but without love, his words would sound more like an irritating, clanging cymbal to the person who needed to hear the counsel. (1 Cor. 13:1)

Remember, it’s not just the person going through the tough time who is to glorify God. Ideally, if we’re in a position to bring comfort and perhaps advice or counsel, we want to glorify God with what we say.

Let me return to where we started: How do you glorify God?

I wonder how many times have you met someone going through something like what Job went through - lost their job, maybe lost their family, lost their ability to provide, lost their health - and thought to yourself, “Now, that’s how you bring God glory!”

When you see someone suffering, do you ever think that person might be doing more to glorify God than, say, Billy Graham?

I’m not trying to compare here because certainly I don’t know the answer to that. But we know Job brought down Satan. In a great cosmic battle played out in the landfill of the land of Uz, Satan was humiliated.

I have a feeling that, to some extent, so were Job’s friends.