On just saying "No"

Maybe you’ve had this kind of conversation.

“What do you want?”

“Nothing.”

“You look like you want to ask me something.”

“I was going to, but you’re only going to say ‘no.’”

Maybe you’ve been on both sides of that dialogue. I know I have. Usually it’s between a parent and a child, with the child taking that tactic of “I was going to, but …” trying a kind of reverse psychology, putting you in a negative light in the hopes that to prove them wrong you’ll say “yes.”

We are a manipulative breed, aren’t we?

But that got me thinking about “no.”

It is only a selfish, unloving father who always says “yes” to his children. More than likely, he’s one of those fathers who is trying to be “friends” with his kids, so they’ll “like” him. Or maybe he’s trying to make up for some inadequacy he feels about himself.

Loving fathers don’t always say ‘yes’ to their children, because children’s desires are often immature and may ultimately be harmful.

Very often, the most loving thing a father can do is say, “No;” be willing to be the kill joy, the bad guy, take the tears and screams and scorn from that child that they love when it’s for that child’s protection or own good. A loving father is willing to take the pout or the anger or the tantrum in order for that child to be safe, learn, grow into a mature and wise adult.

If you’re over the age of 25, you probably know that. You know that if you had gotten everything you ever wanted, your life would be a disaster right now. And guess what? It doesn’t change as you get older – there are still times when I’m thankful I didn’t get what I thought I wanted (and times when I’m sorry that I got what I thought I really did).

Recently I spent a lot of time reading and praying what we call “the Lord’s Prayer’’ – you know, the “Our Father, who art in Heaven …” In this, Jesus tells us to pray for our “daily bread.” Our daily bread is not asking for God to give us everything we want, but to give us what we actually need.

And no matter how smart, how successful, how admired and respected you are, you are not smarter than God; particularly when it comes to what is best for you. You may think you know, and you may be able to see all kinds of ways that this thing you desire could work out for God’s glory as well as yours; how it may provide for your family or “just make sense.” To God, those kinds of arguments must be like a five-year-old trying to talk their father into getting them a pony. It’s cute. But it’s dumb.

Unless, maybe, you live on a farm or a ranch.

King Solomon, considered the wisest man to ever live, wrote this in Proverbs (30): “Two things I ask of you; deny them not to me before I die: remove far from me falsehood and lying.” Good request, right? But then Solomon goes on to say, “Give me neither poverty nor riches; feed me with the food that is needful for me, lest I be full and deny you and say, ‘Who is the Lord?’ or lest I be poor and steal and profane the name of my God.”

Or, as Jesus said it so succinctly in the New Testament, “Give us this day our daily bread.”

As a kid, I wanted everything. My Christmas list would have been endless if I had actually made Christmas lists. I’d go through the Sears catalogue (pity that children today don’t know the joy of the Sears Christmas catalogue) and could pick out at least one thing on every page. In fact, that was a game I used to play: I’d tell myself I “had” to choose one thing on every page, now what would it be?

I’m long past the Sears catalogue, but I’m not beyond wanting at least one thing from every page.

But learning to not want everything is actually good for us.

The Apostle Paul, in 1 Corinthians 10:23, “I have the right to do anything’ - but not everything is beneficial. ‘I have the right to do anything’– but not everything is constructive.”

Truth be told, we’re not easily satisfied. We say, “Of, if I get this car I’ll never want another one” or “If I get this house, I’ll stay in it forever.” And then the new model car comes out with this feature or that feature; or you see a house with a better kitchen or yard or with a pool.

Years ago, I decided I would really simplify my life and would not need any clothes other than a pair of khaki pants and a blue oxford button-down collar shirt. It’s a combination I could wear to work, to play, to church. Then I realized I probably needed a tie and a navy-blue blazer to make it a bit more formal. And a white shirt would be good as well. And then tennis shoes for casual wear because I couldn’t wear dress shoes or loafers everywhere.

You get the picture.

There is nothing wrong with having a nice car, a house, multiple options for clothes. What I’m saying is that we’re never satisfied. It’s human nature. If I have the ability to get something more, chances are really good that I’ll take it.

So when I was reading the “Our Father who art in Heaven’’ and got to “Give us our daily bread,” which is another way of saying “Just give me what I need for today,” it reminded me that I have far more than I need, and the things that I don’t have that I really need (if there are such things) teach me to be thankful when I get through that day despite not having it, whatever “it” is.

Once, when I was in college, I decided to put God to the test. I had five dollars. I didn’t get paid until Friday (because I worked through college). So I decided to “test” God and say, “I know you’ll give me just enough money to get me through this week.” And on Monday I drove to class. I went to lunch. Someone didn’t want to finish their lunch and offered it to me, so I didn’t have to spend anything there. I drove home. There were leftovers in the fridge. The next day someone asked me to ride with them to class, because they were running late and needed to be dropped off because they didn’t have time to park, so we took their car. And I didn’t have time for anything at lunch except vending machine food, which back then was 50 cents for a Coke and 25 cents for a pack of peanut butter crackers.

Every day I prayed for that miracle, that check that showed up unexpectedly in the mail box or that debt that I’d forgotten about being repaid or whatever other miracle that I knew was coming because God was going to provide for me, take care of me, give me what I needed.

The next thing I knew it was Friday. I'd never gotten that unexpected windfall "blessing." But on Friday, I got my regular paycheck.

And it hit me – I had gone through the entire week and not even spent all of my five dollars. I had not missed a meal; I had not failed to get to class. Something unexpected always happened to get me exactly what I needed for that day. And I realized I was telling God what I thought He needed to do to take care of me, when in reality He was taking care of me in His way – and teaching me a lesson in the process.

These are good lessons, the lessons of “no.” We learn disappointment. We also learn we survive without the things or activities that we thought we couldn’t live without. In time, we discover that six months or a year or 10 years later we don’t even remember what it was we wanted so bad.

So never be afraid to be the “bad” guy, to say “no,” and put up with your kids saying you don’t love them or don’t care for them or you’re not as good a father as so-and-so. A loving Father is not afraid to be the ‘bad’ guy, because he knows sometimes ‘no’ is the most loving thing you can say.

Now, I’ve spent a lot of time talking about having the ability to say “no,’’ and that comes across as negative.

Here is the positive: remember what Jesus says in John 10:10? “The thief comes to kill, to steal, and to destroy, but I have come that you might have life and have it to the full."

Hear that? "To the full." That is not a “no.” That sounds incredible, doesn’t it? Jesus comes to give us life to the full – who doesn’t want that? Who is going to say, “Oh, I’ll just take three-quarters. I don’t want to be selfish, just give me half a share.” No, as I said before, we’re never satisfied and its human nature to always want more.

So if there's more joy to be had in my marriage because of Jesus, I want it. If there's more joy to be had as a parent, then I want it. If there is more joy to be had in my job, then I want it. If there is more joy to be had in continuing to learn about who Jesus is, I want it.

I want all the life there is to have. But not in some immature, ridiculous, "just give me the new car and house and supermodel Stepford wife” kind of joy. No, I want all the life there is to have. And Jesus said, “You want full life? I've come to give you full life. I’ve got it, and I’m offering it to you. Come to me for that full life."

It’s counterintuitive, but the truth is, we’re happier when we know the boundaries, when we know the limits. Psychologists have said that children are more creative when they have boundaries and can explore the area inside those boundaries more completely, when they are forced to use their brains to devise entertainment and excitement within the limits put around them. It’s when there are no boundaries that they become unfocused. They get easily bored and go on to the next thing, and the next thing, and nothing is ever enough.

Sometimes “no” is the best answer of all.