What A Man Should Know

 For the last few months, I have enjoyed reading a column in The Free Press (thefp.com – a site I recommend, for what it’s worth) by Elliot Ackerman called “A Man Should Know.” The idea is that there are things every man should know (as the series title says) and his topics range from things like how to wear a watch, how to wear a tuxedo, how to propose, how to travel, how to form an opinion, how to say thank you – a wide range of subjects that, as a man, our fathers or an uncle or older brother should have taught us (but many didn’t, for a variety of reasons).

You could say these are superficial things, but they are things worth knowing, things not often passed on from fathers to sons.

I supposed most of what I know about being a man came from watching my father, although I can’t say I watched with purpose; neither did he teach intentionally. But a boy can’t help but watch his father, and it’s amazing, as I’ve gotten older, to see how often I see friends who turn out an awful lot like their fathers (and find myself doing exactly what my dad would have done).

It’s not always good. Sometimes we find ourselves repeating mistakes. I know a guy whose father left his family when he was young. He hated his father for that. Yet many years later he was about to do the same thing until, fortunately, he remembered what it did to him as a child. He changed his mind (and heart), and he is happy today with a great family life.

My other role model was probably John Wayne. His movies, anyway. The characters he played. A lot of actors, and characters in books, set the tone for what I wanted to grow up to be like.

Back when magazines were a force in our culture, I subscribed to Esquire Magazine. It had some really good writers and good stories, and there was, for a time, a column on “ethics,” written by Harry Stein. He didn’t preach as much as he just told stories of people who responded to difficult situations in an admirable way. He wasn’t overtly judgmental, but just let people who walked that fine line between right and wrong teach by their actions. I liked it so much, when he published a book that was a collection of his essays – entitled “Ethics and Other Liabilities” – I bought it, and go back to it often.

All of that is to say I’m always interested in help on how to live a better life. I like to hear life advice from older people, because there are things I wish I could go back and tell my younger self. So many young men, in particular, are growing up without fathers in their homes, or maybe have fathers whose own fathers weren’t there, so there is a disconnect in teaching or even just being an example of “what a man should know.”

I have books like “Mansfield’s Book of Manly Men,” subtitled “An utterly invigorating guide to being your most masculine self.” Another is “A Man’s Guide to the Spiritual Disciplines.”

By years, I’m an old man now. But I’m still trying to figure out what a man should know.

You want to talk old men? It’s one of the oldest stories in the Bible.

My friends and family say I am obsessed with the book of Job from the Old Testament. I don’t know if “obsessed” is the right word, but I do find it to be a book that answers so many questions about life for me. People always say it’s a book about suffering, but I find it to be so much more than that. Job, to me, has answers for almost everything.

For example, the story starts by saying “In the land of Uz there lived a man whose name was Job. This man was blameless and upright; he feared God and shunned evil.”

I have some understanding of fearing God and shunning evil (although I admit I haven’t always done both very well), but what does it mean to be blameless and upright? And shouldn’t a man know how to be “blameless and upright?”

Then I got to chapter 31. There are so many layers to the story of Job, so many themes to explore that I find fascinating (and – spoiler alert – will be writing about), that this particular chapter slipped by me for a long time. It comes toward the end of the book, when Job is defending himself against the accusations of his friends, accusations that seem smart and right but Job knows are wrong.

Anyway, he gets to Chapter 31 (not that Job knew he was in chapter 31), and it hit me: here is Job’s example of what it means to live “blameless and upright.”

He starts out with this:

“I made a covenant with my eyes not to look lustfully at a young woman…” Job is way ahead of his time. He lived – or the story was set – in a period well before the giving of the law to Moses. It seems likely that he lived between the time of the great flood and before Moses, possibly around the same time as Abraham.

Given the way we think of those times as being patriarchal, I see Job as almost a feminist. He never fails to mention his daughters, including giving their names at the end of the book when he doesn’t mention the names of his sons. And it makes a point to say his daughters were treated as co-heirs with their brothers, sharing equally in the inheritance.

And step one of Job’s “blameless and upright” life seems to be that he made a covenant not to lust. Eugene Peterson puts it this way in “The Message,” his paraphrase of the Bible: “I made a solemn pact with myself never to undress a girl with my eyes.”

Women have been sexualized and objectified for centuries, and there is no end to the problems this has caused both men and women. Yet here is Job, centuries ago, telling us, “Don’t lust,” way before Jesus said that same thing.

I don’t think Job is saying he doesn’t lust. He had eyes. But what he means, I think, is that he has decided not to dwell upon those lustful feelings. As a somewhat normal, red-blooded male, I can’t always help what I see. Job, I think, is saying “I can’t always help what I see and that first reaction, but I can move on.” Job says he doesn’t have to keep looking, to take looking to another step (undressing with his eyes), which could lead to yet another step, and maybe another … We are creatures that, I believe, have free will; we are free to decide what we will do with what we see. But it takes discipline, a “covenant” with your mind and heart, if you will, to resist.

Then Job goes on to say, “If I have walked with falsehood or my foot has hurried after deceit— let God weigh me in honest scales…”

In other words, Job says I don’t lie, and I don’t deceive. That’s about as simple and straightforward as it gets. A University of Wisconsin-La Crosse study said 75 percent of adults tell zero to two lies per day. Another study said adults may lie every two to three minutes in regular conversation. Whatever the number, most of us know lying is wrong, but it comes so naturally to us that it’s easy to say something that isn’t true without even really thinking about it.

The third area Job addresses is saying “If I have denied justice to any of my servants …” He seems to be saying he did not mistreat the people that worked for him. He listened to them, and considered their situations. If they had a complaint, they were free to bring it to him and he would consider it. What a work place that would be!

Later still, Job says “If I have denied the desires of the poor or let the eyes of the widow grow weary, if I have kept my bread to myself, not sharing it with the fatherless …” The right way to live, according to Job, is to care for the poor, to feed the hungry, provide for the homeless and hungry. I can’t say it any better than Job did when he said, “If I have seen anyone perishing for lack of clothing, or the needy without garments, and their hearts did not bless me for warming them with the fleece from my sheep, if I have raised my hand against the fatherless, knowing that I had influence in court, then let my arm fall from the shoulder, let it be broken off at the joint. …”

But that isn’t enough. We know from chapter 1 that Job was one of the wealthiest men of his country. Yet he makes a point here of saying his wealth was not his security; his identity was in his great riches. He says, “If I have put my trust in gold or said to pure gold, ‘You are my security,’ if I have rejoiced over my great wealth, the fortune my hands had gained…” then “these also would be sins to be judged, for I would have been unfaithful to God on high.” To put it in New Testament terms, he stored up his treasure in heaven. His faith and security were in his relationship with God. The rest … well he says it in chapter 1, “Naked I came into this world, and naked I will depart.” Job understood his wealth and prestige and power were all temporary.

Job then goes on to say we shouldn’t celebrate when bad things happen to our enemies, to people we know have done bad things, even if they deserve it. He said, “If I have rejoiced at my enemy’s misfortune or gloated over the trouble that came to him— I have not allowed my mouth to sin by invoking a curse against their life.”

When people wrong us – and they will – what is our reaction? I hear friends of mine today wishing God would bring severe, Old Testament-style judgement on the people they disagree with, particularly when it comes to politics or cultural issues. You can’t escape this attitude on TV, on social media, in protests, almost everywhere you look. It is only human to want to see justice, at least our version of what we think justice for those people should look like. And it’s so easy these days to be angry.

Research says that anger in the United States is at an all-time high, with many Americans experiencing daily anger due to various social, political, and psychological factors. Approximately 70% of Americans report feeling angry every day, with 31% describing their anger as “really angry”. This marks a significant increase in anger levels compared to two decades ago. And this increase in anger is connected to a rise in social violence and unrest.

But that’s not Job. I once heard it put this way: when we consider people who have done wrong, we should pray “God, bring them into a right relationship to You, and do it as gently as you can.”

“Do it as gently as you can” is not what most of us want. Yet that’s compassion, and love, and humility, and – to be honest, at least in my case – something I can ask for only when my heart has been changed by God.

Job isn’t finished with his description of the blameless and upright life. He goes on to say, “no stranger had to spend the night in the street, for my door was always open to the traveler—”

And “if I have concealed my sin as people do, by hiding my guilt in my heart because I so feared the crowd and so dreaded the contempt of the clans that I kept silent and would not go outside—” How many times have we not said something or not done something because we were concerned what people would say or think of us or even say about us? Isn’t this peer pressure? Job is saying don’t be afraid of what other people think; don’t be afraid of doing the right thing even when those in power or the majority are saying something else. Do the right thing.

And that’s where Job ends his defense of himself.

But it’s also what I think defines a blameless and upright life.

Treating women with respect. Always tell the truth. Treat the people that work for you and with you fairly and honestly. Take care of the poor, the widows and orphans. It’s OK to pursue wealth, but don’t make that your security. And use that wealth to take care of people, to feed the hungry and provide shelter for the homeless. Don’t gloat when your enemies fail or fall, and pray for their well-being. Don’t be afraid of what other people will think about you, do the right thing.

Jesus repeats all of those in the New Testament. Read the Sermon on the Mount in Matthew 5-7. Jesus talks about lust and adultery, loving one’s neighbor, giving to the poor and social justice, the love of money … all these things that Job lays out hundreds of years before.

Norman Mailer, in “Cannibals and Christians,” said “Masculinity is not something given to you, but something you gain. And you gain it by winning small battles with honor.” The things Job talks about are the small battles most of us face every day. Ordinary things. But it’s the ordinary things, I have found, that are mostly likely to trip us up.

One thing that seems obvious to me.

These things in Job are indeed things “A Man Should Know.”