His father found his “stash.”
Now “stash” can mean a lot of things, depending on where you live and the time period. In this case, it was the late 1960s, in a pretty conservative suburb of Atlanta, and the ‘stash’ belonged to a 6th or 7th grader who lived down the street.
His ‘stash’ was a Playboy magazine (as racy as anything we knew existed back then) that my buddy had gotten somehow, and a deck of playing cards that featured pictures of nude or semi-nude women. This was hot stuff among a bunch of church-going boys back in those simpler, pre-internet, pre-cable TV days.
But he’d hidden this stash in the drop ceiling of his basement, which seemed ingenious to us but in fact turned out to be a rather poor hiding place. Drop ceilings were drop ceilings because they allowed easy access to the plumbing and ducts and electrical stuff that ran beneath the main floor of the house, and when someone went to check or fix or change a light – well, that’s how this kids’ father found his stash.
Honestly, I wasn’t good enough friends with this kid that he’d let me actually see this treasure, but I heard about it from other guys in the neighborhood who said they’d seen it and, I will admit, I was curious.
The point is, I remember this guys’ father finding this stash of what we’d now probably call “soft porn” (if even that), although it was pretty hardcore to us innocent kids of the 1960s. And getting caught by your dad in something like this was a definite “oh, nooooo” moment. When we heard his dad had found his stuff, we were all afraid for him, imagining what our own parents would do to us in the same situation.
What his dad did was one of the most incredible acts of fathering I have ever seen. I’ll get back to that.
I thought about this the other day after reading a story about “crowdsourced shaming.” It’s a phrase for people getting caught on camera doing things they shouldn’t be doing. You know, like that couple at the Coldplay concert that got caught on the kiss cam. It was obvious by their nervous reaction that something was amiss. People being what they are, searches were done and it turned out these two people worked at the same company, were married to other people, and were having an affair.
Just a week or so ago, a couple was filmed kissing on a bench in New York’s Central Park. When they saw the guy filming them, they became nervous and asked him to stop. He didn’t, and soon posted the video online. Within a few hours, internet sleuths figured out these two were partners in a New York law firm; one of whom was married to someone else. The video got more than 2 million views on TikTok before being deleted, and stories were written about it.
According to this article I read, there are people with their cell phone cameras who go looking for this stuff. People who look like they could be having an affair are common targets, as are public drunks, people whose clothes reveal too much (either intentionally or not), and people who find themselves in embarrassing situations. These videos are then broadcast over TikTok or whatever social media is popular, and the subjects of these videos find themselves in for a public flogging.
From the article: “These days, stepping out your front door in the morning means you no longer have any legal right to stop someone from shoving a camera in your face—something self-described “free speech auditors” on TikTok and other platforms will be quick to remind you. The “auditors” make their content by conspicuously filming people in public, which they have a legal right to do, in hopes of eliciting angry responses that can be uploaded to YouTube or clipped on TikTok for the benefit of people who like watching public freak-outs. If the response goes viral, they can make some money ruining lives, too.
“And they aren’t looking for good people doing nice things because that’s not good content. The cameras matter only when you cheat on your wife, argue with her in public, or have a meltdown in a Target. When you do, the iPhone will be there, filming as the comments flow in. If you’re lucky, all the commentators will do is laugh at you. At worst, they’ll track you down, doxx you, and ruin your life…”
Do these people being filmed deserve it? It’s easy to say if they were doing something wrong and chose to do it in public, they got what they deserved. It used to be called public shaming, and it’s nothing new. Ever read The Scarlet Letter?
These days, once you’re caught you may be subject to the eternal ‘scarlet video,’ that will remain out there no matter what you do to apologize and make amends.
That’s the difference. It’s one thing to be shamed in front of your community, family and friends and people you sat beside in church on Sunday; to be publicly held accountable for violating the generally accepted moral standard of the community where you live (however hypocritical those expectations may have been).
It’s another thing to be shamed by millions of people around the world that don’t know you, who aren’t part of your community, who are simply taking great pleasure at the failing and embarrassment and humiliation of someone they have never met and likely never will. This turns it into something like a blood sport. It’s a spectacle, purely for entertainment purposes – and profit for whoever shot the video and uploaded it first.
Its people being thrilled by watching the life of a total stranger come apart and feeling somehow superior, I guess, because these people “get what they deserve.”
My mother used to tell me, “Be sure your sins will find you out.” This comes from Numbers 32, where Moses is talking to the tribes of Reuben and Gad, who have decided to stay on the opposite side of the Jordan River rather than go with the rest of Israel and conquer Canaan. Moses tells them that they can do that, but if they fail to come to the aid of their brothers when needed, they would be sinning against the Lord. “But if you fail to do this, you will be sinning against the LORD; and you may be sure that your sin will find you out,” Moses tells them.
On the other hand, we’re told to be careful sitting in judgement of people. To the crowd who wanted to stone the woman caught in adultery, Jesus says, “Let him who is without sin cast the first stone.” (John 8:7). And in Matthew 7:1 Jesus says, “Do not judge, or you too will be judged.”
There is a lot about what Jesus says that doesn’t mean exactly what many people want it to mean; it’s not “You don’t have the right to tell me I’m wrong.” Later in the same chapter, Jesus essentially tells us that we are expected to judge what is right from wrong, and call out wrong when we see it. There are just as many verses on how to appropriately judge the actions we see.
But we’re also told to love our neighbors, which means, I think, that we’re not to take joy in calling out the sins of others. We’re not to delight in their failings. We’re called to love those people, and as Jesus said to the woman caught in adultery, tell them “Go and sin no more.” We have to recognize what sin is, and encourage people – and remind ourselves – to stop sinning. But also allow them to get on with their lives.
That brings me back to my friend’s father. When he discovered his son’s stash of magazines and playing cards, hidden in that basement ceiling, we all expected there to be a whipping that would leave our buddy’s backside black and blue, with a potential grounding that lasted until well into high school.
But the father didn’t get mad (at least, not when he spoke to his son). He didn’t threaten. He didn’t punish.
He just told his son, “Son, if you’re going to look at stuff like this, then leave it out in the open. Because if you’re trying to hide it, you know you’re ashamed, which means you know it’s wrong.”
It was an incredible piece of fathering. At that time, in our community, in our culture, the kid couldn’t have been more embarrassed. He knew it was something to hide. And he wasn’t about to have that stuff out in the open where his mother or sisters could see it. He knew instinctively there was something illicit about these pictures. And part of the thrill of having this stuff was the secrecy.
There were a lot of ways this story could have gone. But this father knew his son well enough that he had a pretty good idea of what his son would do. And his son did: he got rid of the stuff. Threw it away. The son was ashamed.
His father didn’t publicly humiliate him. I don’t know if he even told the mother (he probably did, but she never acknowledged it as far as I know). He simply made the son see that he knew what he was doing was wrong, and since it was wrong, he shouldn’t continue doing it. Simple as that.
That, to me, is correcting someone in the right way. With love. Just between the two of you, if possible.
The Bible says we are “always to be gentle toward everyone” (Titus 3:2). We are to gently confront people caught in sin (Galatians 6:1). We are, above all, to speak the truth in love (Ephesians 4:15).
And not take delight in another man’s failing, but to be happy when he’s been redeemed.
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